GOD BLESS AMERICA!
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IF YOU HAVE A FUNNY CONSTRUCTION STORY---








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UPDATE:  9/16/02--I'VE PUT A FEW STORIES ON HERE NOW, BUT I NEED MORE! HINT HINT!
:-) FUNNY CONSTRUCTION STORIES :-)


Here are only a few of the stories I have heard over the years.  When you get done reading them, hit the E-MAIL button and contribute yours, and as time permits, I will add them to this site. Then tell your friends, and, when we get enough of them together, who knows?  Another best seller?  The New York Times Top Ten List?

I WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU!
 


CONSTRUCTION WORKER PARKING ONLY, DAMMIT!

A bunch of construction was going on at the Capitol Building, and since it's always a pain in the neck to find a parking place downtown, the maintenance people at the Capitol had provided a gravel parking lot to ease the pain.  A huge sign pointed out that this particular piece of real estate was for construction workers only, violators would be towed and yada yada yada....

Lo and behold, after work one fine day, the fellas ventured out to their vehicles and found some asshole's car blocking the only exit.  Upon reading the license plate, they discovered that the car belonged toare you ready?a politician!

The dilemma of how to get the damn vehicle out of the way was discussed by all for several minutes when someone came up with the brilliant idea of picking up the car manually and scooting it over.

"Do you think we can do it?" one of the men asked doubtfully.

"I don't see why not!" someone else chimed in.  "There are about 20 of us here after all!"

"OK, let's try it!" a third guy said.  "I wanna get the hell out of here!"

All of the men spaced themselves at intervals around the offending vehicle, and on the count of three, they lifted....and were amazed at how easy this seemingly daunting task was.

Now, where to put the damn thing?

"Over there," someone said, gesturing with his chin.  "Between those two trees!"

"That's too fucking easy!" another man replied. "We oughta put it out in the street!"

"I meant LENGTHWISE between the trees!" the first fella added, "so this idiot can't get out without calling a tow truck to pull him out sideways!  He'll won't be able to get it out with his driving skills, I can tell you that much!"

And so, it was done....and the exit was never blocked again!  

MORAL OF THIS STORY: IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT, CALL IN THE UNION CONSTRUCTION WORKERS!


MONTEZUMA'S REVENGE

It seemed there was a lunch box bandit amongst the crew.  When morning break came around, everyone's cookies and donuts had mysteriously disappeared from sight, and no one could ever catch whoever was doing it!

After this had gone on for several days, a couple of the guys got together and hatched a plan.  One would bring homemade chocolate brownies and another double chocolate chip cookies to work the next day with an added surprise baked inside!  This they would keep a secret from everyone else, to see if they could catch the thief red-, uh, er-handed so to speak....

They didn't have to wait long after break the next morning for their plan to work, since the brownie bandit had the shitter tied up for the rest of the day!


LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP!

The new high school was going up just fine, but the damn phone kept ringing in the job trailer.  Naturally, this always happened when the boss was up on the roof!  Exasperated, he'd trek down the extension ladder and march angrily to the trailer.  Then he'd really be pissed off, since it was usually HIS boss asking some dumb question.

So he was happier than happy could be when the general contractor had a big pile of sand unloaded right next to the building.  This made answering the phone so much easier!  As soon as he heard the damn thing ring, he'd vault off the roof into the sand pile, brush himself off a little, and go in and answer the phone....which worked well until the sand pile disappeared!


AND A THUMP ON THE HEAD TO...

The tinners were putting up duct work big enough for you to drive a car through that was going to be exposed below the ceiling when the job was done, so it had to look real purdy!

A couple of the guys were surveying what they had just put in the air when they noticed a big hump in one of the pieces about halfway down the line.  Shit!  How did THAT get in there?!  Well, they weren't sure how it got there, but they sure knew how to get rid of it, which was to say climb up there and whack it with a hammer!

Turns out it was their buddy in there caulking the joints, and the hump was his head!  (By the way, it DID knock his ass out, but after an emergency room visit, it was surmised that he would be okay.  He was extremely lucky and didn't even have a concussion.)


FOOT IN MOUTH DISEASE

The apprentice had had just about a neck full of the cat he was stuck working with.  This old geezer really thought it was hilarious to point to every "ample" woman walking down the street while they were sitting outside eating lunch and say, "There ya go, kid! I'd like to see you tangle with that, with YOU on the bottom!"  This same conversation would go on each and every day until the younger man was ready to pop old snaggle tooth right in the pie hole!

Then came Friday, which to most construction workers also means payday.  Sooo....the apprentice is sitting there innocently eating his lunch, just waiting for the journeyman to pipe up again with the usual routine, when an old, rusty station wagon pulls into the parking lot and a very "ample" woman emerges.

Heh, heh, thinks the lad, I've got you now, you old fucker!  "There ya go, Bill!  I'd like to see you tangle with THAT, only YOU on the bottom!" he says to Bill.

But the plan backfires when the woman comes closer and closer to them, looming larger and larger...!  Oh, no!  Surely she was going to go right past them into the building!  Oh, please, God...let it be so!

She walked right up to Bill and said, "Did you get your check yet, dear?"

The apprentice unobtrusively sneaked off, and Bill did not speak to him for two or three days, but it cured him of his other habit, too!


MMM, WHAT GREAT COFFEE THIS IS, MRS. OLSON!

The general foreman had this ritual in the morning.  He'd pull up and ceremoniously pour about three swallows of coffee into a mug with an Irish Setter on it and sip on it while looking over the job.  Then he'd shake out the dregs and place said mug lovingly onto the dashboard and head for the job trailer.

He and one of his foreman were always butting heads over how things should be done; neither one would give an inch, but the general foreman always won, of course, since he WAS the general foreman after all...AND never let anyone forget it, either!

On one particular day, they had a nasty argument complete with much finger pointing and name calling.  The general foreman got his way as usual and went to the job trailer in a huff.  His foreman, however, was not to be outdone!

He went over to the boss's truck and grabbed the Irish Setter mug, thinking about throwing it to the ground and smashing it to smithereens.  Then the cartoon light bulb went off over his head, so instead of smashing the cup, he got his pickle out and swabbed it around the cup several times, setting it back on the dash when finished, this being witnessed by most of the crew.

And most of the crew had to walk away when the boss came out for his next little fix of java....


A FART IS BORN

Picture a crew of electrician's pulling fire alarm wire down a corridor in a hospital.  All of a sudden, the two guys at the pulling end smell this terrible, noxious stench!  They look at each other and wrinkle up their noses, each ready to blame the other.  It's enough to make their eyes burn!  It's like nothing mankind has ever smelled before!

About this time, a nurse comes down the hall, mumbling to herself, "Where on earth is THAT SMELL coming from?  We'll have to call MAINTENANCE!"  She's opening doors, looking inside each and moving on.  "My God, that STINKS!"

In the meantime, the stench had completely filled the hallway!  It is, indeed, incredible!  There definitely had to be a sewer leak somewhere!

Then the two electricians spot their buddy down at the other end of the hallway.  His face is red, and he's laughing his ass off.  The pieces of this mystery fall rapidly into place.

It wasn't a sewer leak, after all!  The real culprit was a couple greasy bowls of deer chili!


A FART IS BORN PART DUH

Okay, same hospital, different fart....everyone has heard the commercial about "how do you spell relief?"  Somehow they'd gotten on a discussion of commercials, which of course, degenerated rapidly into "how does a Pollack spell relief," etc., and, well, you know the routine...

The boss rounds the corner as this highly educational talk is taking place.  "You know how I spell relief?" he asks the group in general.   And to demonstrate, he flexes his knees just a tad and proceeds to rip off a long, nasty cheek flapper....the thing is, his butt is facing the women's restroom, and right in mid-cheek flapper, out comes a nurse, and the boss has no bleeping idea!

"You aren't very nice," she tells him matter-of-factly, and marches down the hall without another word.


PASS THE CALAMINE LOTION PLEASE!

And from my own personal archives of hilarious happenings comes a poison ivy story that I have yet to live down!

A male friend of mine went fishing over the weekend and, since he was also enjoying several beers, watered the weeds a couple of times.  Somehow he ended up with poison ivy on his crank!  In the meantime, I spent part of Saturday weeding my flower garden.  I also got poison ivy on my right hand....!

On Monday, my friend got to the shop before me and told everyone about his fishing expedition and the results thereof.  A few minutes later, I arrived and told everyone about my poison ivy.  When everyone started laughing like hyenas, I was at a loss!  But not for long!

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES, SO TO SPEAK...

Picture, if you will, a group of construction workers sitting outside before work on a nice spring day enjoying the last of their coffee before it's time to start.

Across the street, a car pulls up near the blueprint supply store and stops.  The woman inside glances over at all the men, gets a stricken look on her face, and backs the car up as far as it can get away from these hyenas!  She then vaults out of the vehicle and hurries into the building.

I, the lone female amidst this group, have also witnessed this incident. My boss (Mr. Humor himself, I might add...) looks at me and says, "Beth, why is it that women always cross the street or run away when they see a group of construction workers?"

(And this was one of those wonderful and miraculous times when the answer just flowed out and I didn't even have to think....)

"Well, Glen, if someone wanted to fuck you in the ass, you'd cross the street, too!"

A few seconds of silence ensued, then everyone simultaneously erupted into raucous, tears-in-the-eyes laughter.  I even got a standing ovation!


If you liked these stories, let's keep the ball rolling!  I know everyone has stories like this, and I think they'd make a perfect website of their own!  So send me your stories and have your friends send theirs, too!  Since I'm a computer illiterate and need much practice, I can sharpen my skills at web page building while providing some much needed entertainment from the daily grind at the same time!   :-)

Some ideas: Not only stories like the above, but also memorable shithouse graffiti, construction jokes, etc.  Also, funny home remodeling/repair stories and tales of using a tool for something other than what it was originally intended for (examplea friend of mine used a paint roller to roll out pie dough) OR using some household object that is NOT a tool AS a tool.  A famous example of this comes from Ms Magazine where the gal used her Barbie doll to pound nails.  You get the picture, I'm sure. 

SEND 'EM!!
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